How the mother-child bond can affect adult relationships

The experience we share with our mothers is truly our first love. It sets the tone for how we feel about ourselves, the world and interactions with it, and determines our attachment style. As research by Dr Siegel shows, attachment builds interpersonal relationships that help the immature brain use the mature function of our parents’ brains to organize processes.Nurturance is the first element necessary to build interactions with the world, as well as organize several neural processes.
Nurturance is the quality of responsive care between an infant and adult- whether that be in the form of touching, holding, feeding, grooming and responding. It is the foundation for secure attachment and brain health. Though it begins as early as when a baby is born, nurturance is important at all ages. Moreover, providing nurturance can help build a child’s emotional growth which is essential as emotional and intellectual skills go hand in hand. A child cannot achieve full cognitive capacity without healthy emotional maturity.
Why is attachment style with our mothers important?
There are four styles of attachment- secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized that are determined by these early years of care between mother and child.
In a secure attachment which is considered the healthiest attachment style, the first few years of an infant's life have been favorable and safe. Therefore they feel secure and confident in relationships ranging from romantic relationships, to friendships,. They feel confident in their own abilities and they have an incredible ability to trust people, which helps them feel calm.
Anxious attachment styles often stem from an upbringing where a child's needs were not consistently met, and their parents' responses were unpredictable, eroding trust. As adults, they struggle to allow bonds to develop naturally, rushing into relationships. They become hyper-vigilant partners, desperately seeking approval and fearing abandonment from any perceived lack of communication or affirmation.
An avoidant attachment style develops when a child's caregivers are emotionally unavailable and expect excessive independence, ignoring the child's emotional needs. As adults, these individuals avoid intimacy, struggle to build relationships, and feel a need for solitude. They tend to avoid conflict, remain silent, and may abruptly withdraw without notice, having difficulty understanding and expressing emotions.
Uncommon but possible, a disorganized attachment style can develop from a traumatic childhood environment involving abuse or neglect. This is often associated with complex mental health conditions like bipolar disorder, personality disorders, and self-harm. As adults, they experience intense emotional extremes, oscillating between being overly giving and completely detached in relationships. The intensity of their emotions makes it difficult to express themselves. While craving closeness, they also deeply fear being hurt and feel shame about intimacy, struggling to build stable bonds.
How can you build a positive relationship with your child through different life stages?
In the early years, it is crucial for parents to create a loving, accepting, and non-judgmental environment for their children. This scaffolding should take into account the child's biological traits, such as prematurity, moods, and attitudes, and bridge the gap between biology and the environment, providing security for the child to discover the world. As children grow older, the importance of conversations cannot be overstated. These conversations build social skills, show the child that they can trust you, and provide a foundation for navigating emotional challenges during turbulent times like the teenage years.
During the later stages, it is essential to build a healthy self-esteem by allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them, providing encouragement and feedback to help them persevere. This scaffolding and nurturing supports children in forming secure relationships with others, teaching them that it is safe to trust, depend, and be independent. It also equips them with the resilience to face conflicts and challenges without self-doubt. Ultimately, this preparation motivates children to take their meaningful place in adult society.
Authored by: Aanandita Vaghani, Founder and Mental Health Therapist, UnFix Your Feelings